Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I will die if light touches me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
