Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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