I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
