So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
