I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
