dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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