Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
