If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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