I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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