I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Shame is for Republicans.
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