Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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