I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
