you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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