Your mouth is God's brothel.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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