Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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