she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
