either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
