woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
