i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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