I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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