Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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