I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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