Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
