Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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