Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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