Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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