brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
