Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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