Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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