I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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