My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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