Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
