Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
