The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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