I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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