Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Don't make out with my wife yet
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
