I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
