I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize