How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
