Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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