I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
