I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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