Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
