well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
