If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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