And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
