i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
