I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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