Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
