so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
