I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
