Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
