3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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