Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
