Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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