If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
