Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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