I heard we made out
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize