Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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