Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This baby is an asshole
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
