Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
