No more Irish car bombs ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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