he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
