My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
