you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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