I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
