I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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