dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
