I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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