This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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