i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
