Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
